I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
