I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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