ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
