Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
