i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
