...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you made out with another girl for some wings
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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