I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
