Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
