why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
