the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
