do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
