just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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