I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
