just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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