I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
