i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
