Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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