Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
