I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
