I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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