I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
