plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
