3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
