I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
