I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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