By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
false alarm, still single
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
