how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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