1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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