i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
