I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
