she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
