why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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