I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
