Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
