In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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