I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
