I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
