Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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