i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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