Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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