Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
