Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
