I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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