I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
