We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
