Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
