Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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