I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
