I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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