Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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