dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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